dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
