well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
