Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
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