My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i was born a porn star she said
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
