Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
