Fuck appropriateness.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
