i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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