I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I need help removing her.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
