Are we in a gay sports bar?
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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