How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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