I'm going to jail i love you
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
