Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
a search helicopter?!
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
