Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I'm passing your future prison.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
