I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
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