I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
