i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
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