I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
