I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
