C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
