Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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