First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
i need to put some appletini on your dick
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
