he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
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