you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
