the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
