you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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