I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
