How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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