we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
