hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
