I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
