To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
