he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
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