The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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