Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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