So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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