She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Randomize
