Are we in a gay sports bar?
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
