I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
