Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
