Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
