Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
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