not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
