hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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