she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
she told me i tasted like america
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
