she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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