I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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