This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
