Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
They have beer where we have blood.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
