I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
The air was thick with penises
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
