I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
