Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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