There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
